Yes, you heard me correctly, earth-meat. While you have been eating hot dogs and watching Friends reruns, I have accomplished the following, which I shall present as braggartly as I feel is necessary:
1. Played frisbee with a drunk goat, and won.
2. Found a banana that was remarkably reminiscent of Ted Bundy’s penis, and auctioned it on ebay for a hefty sum, despite the banana having aids.
3. Been arrested for juggling wine bottles in downtown Vancouver (i’m really bad at juggling, and had been warned multiple times); I then seduced the guard in order to escape my jail cell, and managed to get arrested again for doing essentially the same thing as before.
4. Jacked off in between two peices of bread and fed it to a homeless person. There’s nothing sluttier than a hungry homeless man.
5. Met the original Lassie (in a dream).
6. Took an 87 year old man’s virginity (also in a dream).
7. Individually married and divorced each of the Olsen twins without them ever knowing it.
8. Constructed a life sized model of the Starship Enterprise entirely out of quack grass and guinea pigs I’d murdered with a hammer, then promoted myself to captain and fought with the Klingons in my mind.
For further re-education, I urge you to order the imagination pills from our online store, and to order my book, Making Love to a Wet Sponge While Operating Heavy Machinery.
And you didn’t get any money from those Olsen bitches?
DUDE where can i get ur book Making Love to a Wet Sponge While Operating Heavy Machinery it might come in handy while workin on the forklift!