The Misadventures of Rudy McTavish

(co-written by J. Kemble)

There was once a man on the hill. His name was Rudy McTavish, and he had a giant rash on his forehead. One day he went to the doctor to get the rash checked out, and as it turned out, it was not a rash at all, but actually forehead herpes. This upset Rudy greatly. Very greatly indeed.

Infact, he found it so distressing he decided to eat a sandwich. It was the most delicious sandwich he had ever eaten… so succulent…so tender…he had almost forgotten about the horrible forhead herpes he had been diagnosed with earlier. But his anger quickly returned…and as his anger grew stronger…the herpes grew bigger…and bigger… until it reached his bottom, which he found terribly unpleasant. “Oh dear”, he said. And with that he let out a very large toot which bellowed through the streets, and all that remained was a smile on his face and glint in his eye…

Unfortunately the glint turned out to be another tumor, and so he used his telekinetic powers, which he just realised he had, to summon powerful healing aliens from another reality. And so they arrived in a giant tuna can shaped UFO which landed on his front lawn with a loud thump, waking most of the neighbors.

“We have come to heal you, Rudy,” said the alien leader, “but first, you must accomplish this task for us…”

“You must rub your belly and pick your nose simultaneously, while dancing the macarena… and give ol’ Nigel over here a quickie; he’s a bit desparate,” announced a second alien as he bit into a delicious slice of blueberry pie.

“Can I have some pie, too?” Asked Rudy.

“I’d really rather you didn’t”, exclaimed the alien.

“Aww, why not?” replied Rudy.

“It’s complicated…well. Not really. It’s just that it belongs to a very dear friend of mine and well..you see…it’s a very special pie…this isn’t an ordinary blueberry pie….oh no. This is much different. Very different indeed…”

“How so?” asked rudy as he scratched his balls.

“It’s intergalactic pie. And actually I just realised that it really IS complicated. So complicated that if your were to ever eat a slice, your head would explode from all the munkerballoobik energies in the delta quadrant of Xerxis. Look, it’s all a bit technical, but rest assured, your mission is clear. To find these pies and NOT eat them, one by one. Understand?”

“No,” said Rudy, letting loose a big fart from his anus.

“Neither do we, and so we shall leave you to your stupid herpe facial disease thing, which it turns out we actually can’t cure, cuz we’re not really aliens. We’re actually….”

“Stop saying actually,” said Rudy.

“No, shutup I’ll say what I want,” replied the alien.

“Uhh…. what-ever!” said Rudy as he rolled his eyes in disbelief.

“Don’t you whatever me, bitch”.

“Oh no you Di-ent!”

Rudy became so angered, he didn’t hesitate to punch the alien right in the nose….. ….which he later realised was his testicals. But either way, Rudy had little patience, and what the aliens had failed to realise was that Rudy wasn’t exactly a fan of aliens that liked to try his patience… and so he ran off down the road flailing his arms in the air and screaming like a girl….until he reached the local shopping mall and decided to try on a pair of pants.

“Do these ones look good?” Rudy asked the salesman.

“They make your ass look a little fat,” the salesman replied in an uncharacteristicly blunt manner.

“But I like my ass to look fat. It makes me look very distinguished,” sobbed Rudy.

“Then these wishes three I shall grant you on the very first hour of the first day of your first born child…” expressed the salesman.

“Not interested,” Rudy said, and suddenly ran out of the store chasing a butterfly. Soon after he tripped over a sleeping homeless man and cracked his head open on the pavement. Nobody missed him. The end.