Reggie woke up in a groggy haze to the hip hop stylings of 50 Cent playing from his tinny alarm radio. Saturday. 10:30 am. His mouth tasted like a monkey had shat in it, and in his drowsy state, he stopped and considered the possibility that one had.
Though he wished to sleep more and live out his dream life as an OG from the ‘hood, his full bladder forced him irritably from his slumber. He awkwardly stumbled to the washroom sporting a morning half-chud, and went about his business: urinating in the shower while brushing his teeth; usual stuff. He then put on his baggy clothes and gold chains slow and sexy, and spent 15 minutes posturing in front of a mirror. He was a skinny 18 year old male of English descent raised in a middle-American suburb, but in his mind, he was a black man with rippling muscles, hardened by a life of crime in the ghetto.
His phone suddenly vibrated and began playing the song “Candy Shop”, indicating a text message. It was his best friend, Joey. “Hey man I’ll pick you up and we smoke some GANJ! Ye-ah nigga!”
He arrived within a half hour, honking the squeaky horn of his Granny’s car from the street. Reggie went running down the stairs and out the door, ignoring his mother who had made him waffles for breakfast. “Reginald! Where are you going?! I made you waffles!! WHY WON’T YOU EAT MY WAFFLES???!”
“Shut-up, mom! You can’t control me! I’m gangsta! Ye-ah!” He yelled back at her, slamming the door, then flipping her off through the window.
He jumped through the open window of the car, and Joey screeched the tires loudly as he sped off, pissing off their next-door neighbor who had been peacefully enjoying a nice cool glass of tang on his freshly cut lawn.
They found somewhere quiet to park, and Reggie eagerly began to light his marijuana cigarette before Joey stopped him and said, “Reggie… I’ve gotta tell you something…”
“Eh?”
“This isn’t easy to say, but… I’m gay…”
“Uh… what?”
“Gay, Reggie, I’m fuckin’ gay.”
“Hahaha, yeah right, that’s funny shit man.” Reggie dismissed, becoming a little uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry man. I just needed to tell someone…”
“Yo man, you can’t be gay! You always mackin’ on the bitches, dawg! You iz a playa, like me!”
“I only did that to try to be normal, but I can’t lie to myself anymore.”
“Dude, quit messin’ around…”, Reggie said, getting a little mad.
“Sorry dude…”
Reggie paused for a few seconds, taking it all in. “So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna go suck dick like some fuckin’ faggot now? Is that it?!”
“Well, if I met the right guy, then maybe…”
“What the fuck, man! This is un-fucking-believeable. How could you do this to me? What’s everyone gonna think when they find out I’ve been hanging with some big fucking queer-bait?”
“Reg, listen…”
“No, you listen you little bitch! You keep your fuckin faggotty ass away from me, got it?”
“But Reg…”
“Fuckin’ faggot!” Reggie yelled as he jumped out of the car and ran into the nearby woods, crying like a little girl. He felt as though the seams in the fabric of his reality were unravelling with a velocity that was no less than terminal. He had known Joey since sixth grade, and they had been best friends ever since. Years worth of memories were now sullied with the knowledge that his best friend was, and always had been, a flaming homosexual. His face was marinating in tears; he felt like vomitting. How humiliating.
He emerged from the forest nearby Gilligan’s Beer Store. His refuge. His salvation. He tried to compose himself, wiping his teary eyes on the sleeve of his hoody, and built up the courage to enter where he would face the scrutinizing eyes of the store clerk. Before he knew it, he was back outside with a 40 oz bottle of colt 45. Did the store clerk know already? Had she already made the grim association between him and his blatantly homosexual friend? It was impossible to say for sure.
He began compulsively gulping his beer and wandering around the neighborhood trying to collect his thoughts. Two 10 year old boys with toy laser guns ran past him laughing. “What the fuck are you laughing at? I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass!” Reggie yelled at them. Startled, they ran off and hid in some bushes. “That’s right, faggots! You better hide! This is my turf!”. He postured some gang signs threateningly.
He soon found himself at home, and the bottle of colt 45 was empty. Nobody else was home, so he drunkenly stumbled up to his room to cry. In between bouts of crying, he began to find that the surge of emotions was causing him to become overwhelmingly aroused. He reached into his pants and began tugging away angrily. He thought of Joey wearing a cowboy hat and sucking dick in the back of a pickup truck, then he thought of 50 Cent. He imagined he was kneeling before 50 Cent’s naked and sweaty body, pleasuring him with his mouth. “Ohhhh, I’m such a fuckin’ faggot…” he moaned, “take me to the candy shop, Fiddy!” He was close to climaxing when he heard his mom return home and wander up to his room.
“Reggie? Are you home? What are you doing in there?”
Nevermind that, he thought. Focus on 50 Cent. And with that, he shot a big wad of jizz right into his own eye, then aimed his second shot for his 50 Cent poster; right on 50’s chest. 50 Cent looked pissed off, as always. Just then his cell phone rang. He quickly grapped a grey gym sock to wipe the jizz out of his eye, and, breathing heavily, answered, “h-hello?”.
“Hey man, you sound out of breath. Are you ok?” It was Joey.
“Oh… um… what up?”
“April fools, bitch. Hahaha, you shoulda seen the look on your face!”
“What? So, uh… you’re not gay?” Reggie went to the sink to wash the rest of the sticky gunk out of his eye.
“Dude, come on. How dumb are you?”
“Oh! Shit dude… oh thank god you’re not a fuckin’ faggot!” he said, scrubbing his face red. “Man, I hate faggots. If I were a faggot, I’d fuckin’ kill myself. Now let’s go get some fuckin’ poon tang and beat up some faggots!”
“Kay, I’ll be by in a sec,” Joey responded and hung up.
Reggie turned to the poster, “this is just between you and me, fiddy”. He knelt down and licked his seed sensuously off of 50 Cent.
Just then his mom walked in, “REGGIE!! NOOOOOOOO!!”
“MOTHER!! DON’T LOOK AT ME!! NOOOOOOOO!!”
