This weekend I had the privilege of attending an American wedding courtesy of my cousin Lacey whom I barely know. I was really going because my sister was allegedly showing up, a sister whom I barely see, for this wedding of my cousin whom I barely know. Irony comes in the form of bare disappointment [...]
Articles
Just how bad can a band suck?
…It was like watching a whole band of Ashley Simpson.
8 amazing things I have done that you should be jealous of because you are essentially inadequate in every conceivable way!
Yes, you heard me correctly, earth-meat. While you have been eating hot dogs and watching Friends reruns, I have accomplished the following, which I shall present as braggartly as I feel is necessary:
1. Played frisbee with a drunk goat, and won.
2. Found a banana that was remarkably reminiscent of Ted Bundy’s penis, and auctioned it [...]
Goths are weenies
Maybe I should just start critiquing every social cliche in existence. I’m a bit of an asshole that way. Perhaps I could get away with it.
Loud electronic music, flashing lasers, cheap booze, introverts. Everything to make any other club scene minus the socializing is there at goth night. Somebody’s wearing goggles like they think they’re [...]
ACTUAL testimonials from people who made friends with me!!
I met Gavin in a hardware store while searching for pliars. He took me out for fondue, where he recounted to me all the various hilarious instances of the Seinfeld reruns he’d been watching. I had to pay for both of us, but I didn’t mind since I was just so happy that he didn’t [...]
How to kick ass in the mosh pit
It’s an all ages show. What the hell? I can’t even get drunk. Damn, that teenager is fucked up and he hasn’t even gotten in the doors. What a dumb ass. Now security won’t let him in.
Death metal’s famous Cannibal Corpse would attract this kind of audience. The neglected children flocked to them like moths [...]