Microwaved Gerbils

Teddy savored his Fruit Loops with extra sugar, his eyes fixated on a half empty pack of cigarettes weighting down a 50 dollar bill on the kitchen counter. He wanted them both, but they belonged to his mom, who might not like it if she noticed him taking them. But on second thought, he really ought to have them. Why shouldn’t he? Teddy cast a sidelong glance down the hallway and into the open bathroom door, where he could see his mom was preoccupied with a blow dryer. This was it. This was his chance. He swiftly pocketed the money and cigarettes, and carried on eating as though nothing had happened.
Teddy’s mom stumbled haggardly into the kitchen, still drunk from the night before. She looked at him disdainfully as though he were an uninvited house guest. “When’re you gonna get a job, Teddy? Them Fruit Loops don’t just buy themselves, y’know. And that sugar. That ain’t cheap.”
“Teddy’s getting a job today mom,” Teddy attempted to placate her, avoiding eye contact.
Teddy’s mom took the last swig of gin from a 40 ounce bottle. “Yeah right,” she sputtered, “that’s what you said yesterday and the day before that. You’re good for nothing, just like your dead beat father. You’re 25, Teddy. You got no job, you still ain’t done your grade 12, and you’re still hanging around here, leeching off my disability cheque.”
“Teddy doesn’t appreciate the tone of your voice.” Teddy finished his bowl and placed it precariously atop a tower of dirty dishes.
“Whatever,” his mom sighed, scratching her butt. She pulled out a lighter and looked at the counter where her money and cigarettes had been, then looked at Teddy. “Hey Teddy? You seen my smokes?”
“Teddy hasn’t seen your smokes. You probably dropped them in the living room when you were shit faced drunk.”
“No, no… I would remember that… now where are they?” she trailed off, wandering into the living room to search despite having said that they couldn’t be there.
Teddy didn’t want to stick around to watch his mom go into nicotine withdrawal, so he smartly threw on a pair of sneakers and headed to the liquor store. Besides, he had to appear as though he were looking for a job, even if he wasn’t, or she might force him to move out. He didn’t particularly want a job. Teddy had had a job once before, but the people there were all jerks who made him do stuff, so it was kind of pointless, really.
At the liquor store, Teddy thumbed over the various bottles of vodka, glancing around casually before stealthily placing a mickey into his coat pocket. He could certainly have paid for it with the money he stole from his mom, but he figured he would need that money to buy pot, and stealing from a liquor store is less dangerous than stealing from a pot dealer.
Teddy made for the door, mixing with the crowd, but was stopped dead when he heard an authoritative voice behind him. “Excuse me, sir?”
Teddy swallowed, the blood swelling in his head. He slowly turned to see a lanky security guard staring at him. “Teddy didn’t steal nothing, man!” Teddy protested.
The security guard frowned. “You dropped your cellular phone,” he said, handing the phone back to Teddy. “Who’s Teddy?”
“Teddy’s the guy who’s glad to get his phone back.”
The security guard’s eyes squinted. He opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it and turned away.
Gloating over the security guard’s lack of perceptiveness, Teddy jaunted toward his drug dealer’s flat. When he arrived, Dave, his dealer, was laying on the couch playing Call of Duty, his lethargic eyes bleary and bloodshot, seeming to be only half registering Teddy’s arrival. His apartment was covered in dirty clothes and empty bottles of Mountain Dew dating back to the Dark Ages. “Hey Teddy… what’s up?”
“Teddy wants an eighth,” Teddy demanded, his eyes fixed on the drawer where he knew Dave kept his pot.
“That’s 25 bucks,” Dave stated despondently, never taking his eyes off his video game.
“Teddy finds your terms acceptable. Oh hey, did you get a new stereo?”
Dave’s character died, and so he reluctantly put his controller down and looked up at Teddy, which seemed to take every ounce of effort in his body. “Yeah, you want it? It’s brand new! 25 bucks extra and it’s yours!”
“That’s really cheap, and Teddy could use a new stereo,” Teddy said, handing over his mom’s 50 dollars, and picking up the brand new stereo sitting bundled on the coffee table.
“Okay, here’s your dope… Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s that jacket you lent me.”
“Oh, right. Teddy was wondering where he left this,” he said, putting his Harvard jacket on, even though he had never attended Harvard, or even left the state of California.
On his way out, Teddy checked his phone and found messages from each of his girlfriends, Becky and Rhonda, both whom wanted him to stop by for a visit. He liked Becky more, but Rhonda had a nicer body so he wanted to see her first, so he told Becky that he was busy taking back some movies and that he would see her after, but instead walked to Rhonda’s house. Teddy had been seeing Becky for six months, and had been dating Rhonda for two. Neither of them knew about the other, and he was disinclined to make this known, since he wanted to continue to date them both.
At Rhonda’s house, Teddy wasted no time making out with her, since he didn’t have long before he had to go see Becky. Rhonda pushed him away, a disconcerted look on her face. Teddy was puzzled by this. She’d always just given in to his advances every other time.
“You like me, don’t you, Teddy?”
“Of course Teddy likes you, baby. Otherwise Teddy wouldn’t make out with you, right?”
He leaned in to kiss her, but she pushed him away again. “You’d tell me if you were… seeing any other girls… right?”
“Of course Teddy would. But Teddy wouldn’t be seeing other girls cuz he’s a one girl kinda guy.”
Rhonda smiled. “Really?”
“Yeah baby, you know you’re the only girl for Teddy.”
“Oh Teddy, I love you!”
“Teddy loves you too, baby.”
Together they had a brief, unfulfilling two minutes of sex, but that was good enough for Teddy because that’s all he had time for. Afterward, he put his clothes back on and said “see ya.”
“Wait! Where are you going? Don’t you want to stay and cuddle?”
“Of course Teddy does! But Teddy’s got to be up early for his new job! Don’t worry, babe. He’ll see you again real soon!” he said, decisively leaving the room before she had a chance to get a word in.
Teddy started toward Becky’s house, still carrying his new stereo and feeling pretty good about himself, when suddenly a police car turned on its lights and pulled up next to him.
“Where you headed tonight?” the big nosed officer inquired.
Teddy froze up, pausing for a few seconds before saying “Teddy’s going to his girlfriend’s house.”
The officer looked around conspicuously to see who Teddy was referring to. “I don’t see anyone else. Can you just answer the question?”
“This is Teddy. Teddy’s right here,” Teddy said, pointing at himself.
“Ohhhh I see…” the officer said, stroking his moustache thoughtfully. “Would Teddy mind explaining where he got that stereo?”
“Teddy bought it! With money! He paid for it fair and square.”
“You know it’s an offense to lie to an officer of the law? You see, we have a report of someone with your description, wearing that exact jacket, having stolen that exact stereo. You’re under arrest, sir.”
“But Teddy didn’t lie! Teddy never lies! I-I-I’m innocent.”