Microwaved Gerbils

Another entry in my ever-increasing list of petty grievances with humanity is the gratuitous use of the word “like”. What really drove this point home for me was riding a skytrain at 9 in the morning and trying to read a book while some jackaninny sitting behind me spouts the word “like” into her cell phone at a rate of no less than 4-8 times per sentence. Excuse me, Ms, but the last time I checked, it doesn’t make any fucking sense to include that many similes in a single sentence, and I’m pretty sure you don’t like that many things. I became fixated, unable to unable to focus on anything other than the relentless flood of “likes”; it was like trying to watch to Requiem for a Dream while your bratty nephews decide it would be clever to make a game of poking you with pointed objects until you hit them or their sugar rush subsides – that is, if I had nephews… or friends who would trust leaving their kids with me. Whatever. The point is that a lot of people need to reevaluate their position on rape of the language they’ve chosen to speak.

We, of the English-speaking variety, commonly share the problem of using “like” wrongly to some extent, and I’m certainly not without guilt, like, y’know? For the most part, it’s harmless slang. It gives your conversations a casual feel, and it’s really all too easy to automatically slip a “like” into a sentence pause instead of saying “uhhhh” or “ummmm”. Or you might say “like” when you’re quoting someone, making an approximation, or trying to sound like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. That’s fine; I won’t even bat an eyelash when you do. Where I take issue with the whole “like” thing is when it becomes a lingual crutch – a nervous tick – and you, like, find yourself unable to properly construct a basic sentence without it. “Like”-abuse is similar to mouth herpes – most of us have the virus dormantly where it doesn’t tend to cause much trouble, but in the event of an outbreak, you should really just get some cream for it so people don’t have to look at your stupid bloody sores or risk infection. Also, shower. You know what I’m talking about.

Here are some simple yet effective ways to clean up your sloppy English, you poor feeble individual:

1. If you pause in a sentence, you don’t have to fill that pause with anything. Captain Picard certainly didn’t get where he is with liberal sprinklings of “like”, nor did he need to assert his dominance by liberally slapping Wesley Crusher all the time – as awesome as that might sound. If you really find it difficult to not say anything during a pause, switch “like” up with some “ers” and “ahs” to at least infuse your inane conversations with some variety.

2. If you quote someone, you can often use the word “said” instead of “like”. Instead of saying “Joey was all, like, ‘Say, I’ve got a hankering for some swiss cheese!’”, you might substitute it with “Joey said, ‘Say, I’ve got a hankering for some swiss cheese!’”

3. When making an approximation, you could say something like “roughly” instead of “like”. For instance, When you tell your gay swinger friends “Ben’s penis size is, like, a meter, and it’s rough”, you could instead replace that with “Ben’s penis size is roughly a meter, which I like.”

Be advised that the words “roughly” and “said” won’t cover every eventuality, so you may want to read a thesaurus or take brain pills to get smarter. I’ve been taking brain pills for some time now and they’ve certainly not caused me any irreversible damage. In fact, my IQ is now well over 200, my erect penis size is a whooping 9 inches, and I’m able to bend gummy bears with my mind. You can’t deny the facts.

If you are now flustered, red in the face, and contemplating suicide at the prospect of losing your most frequently used word, and you’re thinking of conveniently pinning the blame on me, perhaps you might instead try shutting your stupid mouth. It isn’t my fault that your life up to this point has been a hilarious montage of spotty decision making. Besides, there are still two perfectly legitimate applications of the word “like”.

1.SIMILES, SIMILES, SIMILES!! Comparing one thing to the other. It’s a no-brainer. “Your whorish mother’s makeup is like clown paint on a walrus.”

2.Showing your appreciation for something, as in “I really like when you stick buttered-up root beer bottles up my ass.”

I hope this has been as informative for you as it’s been therapeutic for me. I haven’t felt this relieved since I beat up that 8-year-old orphan for using my tire swing; lousy freeloader. It might not be easy to stop saying “like” all the time, but with time and perseverance, we all can change our nasty habits and work together towards a common goal. Invading outer space.